Welcome to Jester's Trek.
I'm your host, Jester. I've been an EVE Online player for about six years. One of my four mains is Ripard Teg, pictured at left. Sadly, I've succumbed to "bittervet" disease, but I'm wandering the New Eden landscape (and from time to time, the MMO landscape) in search of a cure.
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Saturday, February 18, 2012

Pottermore

As of this writing, ten of the current fourteen CSM6 members are running for reelection.  As a handy guide, if each of these ten were characters in the Harry Potter universe, here's who they would be...

(And please keep in mind that I like and respect a lot of these people.  This is all in good fun.  ;-) )


Draco Llasa: Professor Filius Flitwick.  Wait.  He was a professor?  What did he look like?  Short, goblin-looking dude?  Huh.  I don't remember him.  Was he in the movies?  Really?  Did he do anything important?  Anything I would have heard of?  No?

Darius III: Peeves the Poltergeist.  Could be argued that he isn't even there at all.  You don't see him for ages.  Then, when he does show up, he throws buckets of dog shit all over everything and everyone, cackles insanely, sings a poetic song to commemorate the occasion that he spent the last two weeks writing, then leaves (or is chased off).

UAxDEATH: Profeesor Remus Lupin.  Seems like a nice enough guy.  Shabby, but presentable.  Gets the girl, and you're not even particularly jealous.  Smart guy, and knows his shit.  He usually keeps to himself, with just a few close friends around.  Only a few people really understand him.  He's part of your team, but watch out: occasionally, he turns into an inhuman monster that can no longer tell friend from foe, and terrorizes the countryside.

Two Step: Neville Longbottom.  He's the guy that's on the varsity squad, only you can never quite see why.  Then you realize that it's because he works harder than just about everyone else.  Sincerely knows his shit in a limited area, and applies his work ethic to try to learn the rest.  Gets back up no matter how many times he's knocked down.  You suspect that he'll eventually be the one of the most important people around, but the rest of the group still won't quite get him.  Forever underestimated.

Meissa Anunthiel: Firenze the Centaur.  Seems to have been around longer than anybody.  Could be the smartest guy around, but generally keeps his mouth shut.  Stays far away from everyone else: he's usually very cool and distant.  Really has only one area of expertise, but sticks to it, so that's OK.  When he does open his mouth, everyone listens, but nobody is really sure they understood what he said.  Occasionally, he gets really angry and points out how stupid everyone else really is.

Elise Randolph: Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge.  Runs one of the most important organizations in the world, but is kind of a dick.  Everyone says in public that they like him, but nobody really does except some toadies.  Spends a lot of his time doing exactly the opposite of what everyone else wants.  But then he shows up at the party with everyone else and seems to want everyone to like him despite the fact that his actions and his words don't match.  Sincerely seems to think that everyone wants to be just like him.

Prometheus Exenthal: Professor Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody.  Spent the entire term locked up in his own trunk.  Despite that, he gets added to the varsity squad.  Is pretty sure he knows way more than everyone else, and is really bitter and angry most of the time.  Has one trick that is really impressive and rather scary at the same time.  Plays by his own rules, and doesn't care if others don't like that.  He definitely knows his shit, but can't convey it without pissing everyone else off.  Even people that like him have a hard time saying anything nice about him.

Seleene: Professor Horace Slughorn.  Used to be really important back in the day and never hesitates to let you know that.  He knows everyone there is to know, and has been around for the most important events in the world.  Has the souveneirs to prove it.  Still, you'll always get the impression that while he was involved in these events and with these people, he was never really a driving force, or if he was, it was so long ago that it doesn't really impact the present.  He's desperate to be in the club now, but doesn't... quite... want the work or the danger that goes with that.  He does want the comfort and prestige that goes with it, though!

Trebor Daehdoow: Professor Minerva McGonagall.  Not flashy or brilliant in the traditional sense, but has a wide array of skills.  Is the hard worker in the background that makes everything operate smoothly.  Consigned to forever play second fiddle to much flashier leaders.  Is respected, but is hard to like.  Rigorous disciplinarian with a stern front: you never quite know what this person thinks of you.  Can get along with just about everyone if needed, but very occasionally is a stubborn obstacle that everyone else has to overcome.

And, of course...

Twins separated at birth?

The Mittani: Professor Gilderoy Lockhart.  Completely in love with his own voice, face, and image.  Loves to see pictures of himself and positive references to himself.  Has only one true area of expertise, but that one area of expertise is making other people believe what he wants them to believe.  Wrote a lot of stuff about things that he did, but you get the impression that he mostly takes credit for the work of others.  Has a train of semi-mindless followers that idolize him, but most people that don't idolize him despise him instead.  He is almost ridiculously arrogant, and completely positive that everyone wants to be just like him.


Yeah, that last one was pretty easy.  And again, please keep in mind that these comparisons are just for fun.  I respect the work a lot of these people have done.  Yes, even Gildero-- er, Mittens.  ;-)

25 comments:

  1. Just for fun? The Potter character references are definitely for fun ... the individual analyses seem a tad humourless (almost mean-spirited) in some instances.

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    Replies
    1. Political cartoons -- and that's all this is, a written political cartoon -- are rarely kind-hearted.

      I make no apologies for this one.

      Delete
  2. Now try to compare them to Game of Thrones characters :D

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  3. Fun as in he's comparing them to Harry Potter characters without really specifically trying to be mean.

    Sometimes you can't hide personality flaws, and a comparison like this will always make those relevant.

    So this is like a summary, but yet not enough to really make anyone look ridiculously bad as if Jester had personal feelings against them. Very vague statements and such. ;)

    Jester, next time I'd just say fuck all the haters and critique the guys as you wish to. This is a blog and a well known one at that. They can only hate you so much without listening to your words.

    ~G.A.

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  4. And Jester: Harry Potter ? :P

    About Mittens "Loves to see [...] positive references to himself." From what he writes, he seems to be delighted too when people make negative references to him :)

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    1. I think Jester is closer to Hermione. She's the calculating type that prefers that likes to understand everything and she's always willing to teach other how to do things properly. Harry Potter was always a bit clumsy. He had courage, but he didn't have the same raw talent as Hermione.

      Delete
  5. Elise Randolph: Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge..... Cornelius Fudge isnt even the Miniter of Magic anymore...

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  6. Isn't it true friendship where you can make fun of each other and still like each other?

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  7. Clearly I'm more Arthur Weasley than Fudge. Loveable, competent, and always striving for what is right. A patriarch in my family, but in reality only a figurehead authority.

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  8. Not sure if I should be flattered or offended. Neville always seemed kinda dumb to me in the books... :(

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    1. To me, Neville is one of the most interesting characters in the books, and far and away the one that grows the most over the course of the series.

      In the first book, he's a kind of a well-meaning idiot, yes. By the end of book five, he's ready to face off against Bellatrix Lestrange and you sincerely feel that it's Bellatrix that will get the worst of it if he does. By the end of book seven, you could make a case that Neville is the true son of Gryffindor even more than Harry himself.

      So, take it how you like, but it was meant (mostly) as a compliment.

      Delete
    2. Definitely. Your analysis, Two Step, was the one with the most respect given. Neville is a fan favourite because he grows far beyond the stereotype he seems to be in the first couple books.

      Delete
    3. Yeah, I was just thinking early Neville, later Neville does indeed kick ass... :)

      Delete
  9. I've tried and failed to read the books and only watched the movies once each so I had to wiki this shizzle. I found this about my 'character' - "Slughorn engaged the Dark Lord head on, with McGonagall and Kingsley, proving himself a masterful duellist, able to hold his own against even the most dangerous dark wizard of all time."

    Cool, I can live with that, even if you are being extra because you don't understand how important Curse Alliance was back in the day! :D:D:D:D:D:D

    BTW, this has caused the Skype channel to pretty much agree on what a badass Josh / Two Step is for killing the giant fucking snake. Also, have you seen the dude that plays that character lately?

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KbBkyF0VA_U/TiXtQGUmDWI/AAAAAAAAA4I/2FWtNt-w5X4/s1600/rawr.jpg

    It's like, "Look at me, I'm the British version of Ryan Gossling."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Curse Alliance, oh the good old days of EVE when back when their weren't smuggler gates, probing, or POSes. When you all you had were container cities dotting the outer regions, and stations in Curse, good days.

      For those that don't know Curse alliance pretty much controlled South Eastern part of the map of map, and engaged Stain Alliance in conflicts, these were the days when few people could afford battleships and a billion ISK is what Eve trillionaires are today. All we had were frigates, cruisers, battleships and industrial, though I never did like that bitch (that stay at home mom) that ran Curse alliance, too many blow jobs and not enough management.

      Jester if you were here in 2003 to 2004 you would understand what Curse alliance means.

      Delete
  10. haha fucking nerd

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  11. I applaud you good sir!! Even if "in jest" (wink-wink, nudge-nudge), it is a glorious shitpost.

    Were this Kugu, I would + rep the usual trolls just so I could give you more rep. That said, were this Kugu, I'm sure the torch-bearing, pitchfork-wielding townsfolk would have already rousted you from spooky castle and we'd already be roasting delicious s'mores on your pyre =P

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  12. nice troll, amazed at all the names you knew, was like a childhood blast from the past.

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  13. detrollius, so there isn't a Harry Potter in the CSM yet? Nor a Black? Sounds like we are fucked then.

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  14. So I read this and an hour later flipped on the TV to find it a "Harry Potter Weekend" on ABCFam. Coincidence?

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  15. Jester did you read the stupid Huskey dogs CSM post and thing that it was brilliant? Definitely in the running for least essential Jester blog of all time, and another example of how the quality/quantity scale for this website is decidedly off balance. If you really were itching to do a post of this kind, perhaps you could have chosen something in the science fiction genre instead of fantasy-lite?

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  16. Just because we love sci-fi doesn't mean we have to live eat and breathe sci-fi to the exclusion of all else.....the referencing of semi-pop culture is invigorating.

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  17. LOL Mittens is what I was thinking about him.
    Nice Jester, You really hit the bull's eye wit the Mittens LOL...

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  18. For a second when I saw mitten's picture I thought you were going to compare him with voldemort, lol. Im sure there are a lot of people that would love to make that comparison, and think of the goons as death eaters too.

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