Welcome to Jester's Trek.
I'm your host, Jester. I've been an EVE Online player for about six years. One of my four mains is Ripard Teg, pictured at left. Sadly, I've succumbed to "bittervet" disease, but I'm wandering the New Eden landscape (and from time to time, the MMO landscape) in search of a cure.
You can follow along, if you want...

Sunday, December 15, 2013

CEO update hack

And now an important message from Jester's evil twin, Garth. The opinions of Garth are not the opinions of Jester (unless they are).

Dear friends and paragons of evil, you will probably not be surprised to learn that Jester's computer is not the only one I can break into from time to time at need. Others there are that my fell vision can penetrate. A recent sojourn across the internet into the computer of another may interest you. I present it for your amusement: the true interface into Goonswarm's central systems as recently seen by The Mittani himself.

Welcome, The Mittani.

. You are currently receiving: moon income (ISK)
. You are currently receiving: rental income (ISK)
. You are currently receiving: themittani.com writer income (ISK)
. You are currently receiving: themittani.com advertiser income (RLC)
. Your ISK transfer bank account is currently on file and verified.
To enter ISK transfer options, at the main menu, type "ISK".

. You have 13 unread updates.
. You have 2 upcoming calendar entries.
. Currently due calendar entry: MONTHLY CEO UPDATE

(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)

(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)
Displaying current template...


As you all know, we are currently fighting for our very survival in (1)___ and (2)___. In the war so far, we have sustained some really embarrassing losses due to our outmoded (10)___ fleets, which have been overwhelmed by the enemy's use of over-powered (9)___s. While (18)___ have had some limited success in cooperation with our allies (17)___, we've been lucky. (7)___ are unlike any foe we have faced before and their campaigns in (2)___ have been successful. We have had some luck destroying them when they rely on (11)___ fleets, but now that they have switched to (9)___ en masse our (10)___ fleets can no longer keep up.

We are therefore in serious danger of losing the war in (1)___ and must adjust our tactics. Our overall strategy continues to be (4)___, of course, and we will continue to support (17)___ in their efforts. But we must all support the new doctrine of (5)___. Get trained for one now and get one shipped out to (3)___ immediately.


We are completely terrible at this game. Our previous incompetent attempts to fight the enemy's (9)___ fleet in (10)___s has shown that we clearly don't know what we're doing. Had we continued with using (10)___s, our humble outnumbered forces would clearly have been crushed. Therefore, after much thought and deliberation we have concluded that (5)___ is key to our survival. We must fight (7)___ in (1)___ or we will surely be fighting them in VFK.

We have faced these deadly threats to our very survival before in (15)___ before and survived, even though we were overwhelmed by the forces of (12)___. Just as in Syndicate, just as in Delve, just as in (15)___, we have been driven back due to our terrible play and due to CCP's mistakes in making the enemy's (11)___ fleets too over-powered for us to overcome. However, just as before when we spit in the eye of (12)___ and (13)___, ensuring our survival against these existential threats, just as we showed CCP their game was terrible in the enemy's use of over-powered (10)___ fleets, we will overcome the forces of (7)___ just as we did (14)___ in (15)___.


We and (18)___ have had some success in attacking (11)___ fleets in (2)___. But their (9)___ fleets are unlike anything we have ever faced before. This shit is real. Our normal terrible play will no longer cut it here.

While our (10)___ fleets were effective during the (15)___ campaign, they are shown to be hopelessly outmoded in today's ~elite PvP~ combat. While our current strategy of (4)___ may sound like this is not a serious war, we are fighting for our very survival and must adapt to today's strategies. CCP has clearly shown through their inept development of this terrible game that (9)___s are over-powered. But we have found a way to overcome: the (5)___.

This fleet relies on (6)___ as its primary ships and a combat doctrine that is quite different from our previous (10)___ fleets. We have already been successful fighting when the enemy relies on (11)___, but the (10)___ doctrine is overwhelmed by (9)___. You should fill your training queue with skills that will get you into a (6)___ as soon as possible. Fortunately, the skills you previously developed training for the (8)___ fleet are very applicable and will mean that you should be able to get into a (6)___ with just a few days training. We are manufacturing these ships in bulk so you have no excuses. Get your training queues sorted or the victories that we previously achieved against (12)___ will seem a happy memory and our enemies, (7)___, will be writing our epitaths and laughing at the death of our alliance as they rat in VFK.

The tl;dr version? Get a fucking (6)___ and get it staged in (3)___.


We cannot allow our enemies (7)___ any rest or respite. Just as when we fought (12)___, this enemy has declared unending enmity upon us and will not rest until we are destroyed. We cannot allow these smug bastards -- all of whom are really just the dregs of (13)___ risen up again to try to drive us from our homelands -- to win. This is total war. (18)___ have already shown us the way forward with their shining example, using an early version of (5)___ to assist (17)___ during a recent skirmish in (2)___. This has clearly shown that (6)___ will work against the enemy's (9)___ fleet.

Once we are properly staged, we can move through (1)___ like a plague, destroying (7)___ (9)___ fleets wherever they stand against us. No prisoners! No mercy! We will not stop until (1)___ and (2)___ are conquered and the enemy lies bleeding and broken at our feet, added to the great pile of bodies that includes (12)___ and (14)___. Just as in (15)___, we shall be victorious!

Using (5)___, we will crush our enemies! See you in (3)___!

(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)
Entering data entry mode for CEO Update...

(1) Enter current war front primary region.
(2) Enter current war front secondary regions, if any. When done, type "DONE".
(3) Enter current war front staging system.
> G-0
(4) Enter current war front troll tag-line.
(4) Default currently set to "HONOURABLE THIRD PARTIES". To accept default, type "Y".
> Y
(5) Enter this month's preferred doctrine name.
(6) Enter this month's preferred doctrine high SP ship class.
(7) Enter current enemies.
(7) Default currently set to "N3. NCDOT." To accept default, type "Y".
> Y
(8) Enter most applicable low SP ship class from previous doctrine.
(9) Enter enemy's preferred doctrine high SP ship class.
(10) Enter last month's preferred doctrine ship class most like (9).
(11) Enter enemy's preferred doctrine low SP class.
(12) Enter previous hot-button enemy.
(12) Default currently set to "BAND OF BROTHERS. RAIDEN. REIKOKU." To accept default, type "Y".
> Y
(13) Enter previous hot-button enemy special instructions, if any. When done, type "DONE".
(14) Enter previous enemy.
(15) Enter previous war front primary region.
(16) Enter previous war secondary regions, if any. When done, type "DONE".
(17) Enter current favored primary allies.
(18) Enter current favored CFC cannon fodder. When done, type "DONE".
> CO2

Data entry complete.

(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)
CEO Update data entry complete. Template confirmed. Ready to publish.

Publish to forums (Y/N)?
> Y
Processing... please wait.

Publish to themittani.com (Y/N)?
> Y
Processing... please wait.

Your themittani.com balance has been increased by: 100 million ISK
Transfer to ISK transfer bank account (Y/N)?
> N
Leaving CEO Update mode...

(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)
Have a Goony day!


The preceding has been an important message from Jester's evil twin, Garth. The management apologizes to any and all whom Garth may have offended. Garth has multiple personalities, but they are all identically stupid.


  1. He's never had to be more original than the template because every foe fights and loses in the same manner. Don't change something that works.

    1. They usually bring a lot of capitals and combine with PL? Serious question, have only been around for the Test fight and that doesn't look at all like this one with a a bunch of inexperienced FCs. So what do you mean?

  2. Well this is funny beyond measure.

  3. By the way, there's only one sparkling produce from that CEO Update:

    "(omissis) Slowcats combine spider tanking, capital power projection, sentry drone assist and elite pvp player entitlement into one noxious, disgusting package of imbalance."

    And you gotta hand it over to them, because that is not a template thing.

  4. Unbelieveable good!!


  5. Giggle. Comedy is all about commitment, people.

  6. I will wear my loyalty to Garth for all to see. Tomorrow morning I will shave my facial hair to match his.

  7. What's next, an expose that newspaper writers use an inverted pyramid style? People read The Mittani's updates not because they are original, but because he is funny within the confines of the endless sameness that CEO updates are, just like standup comedians are funny within the confines of "standup jokes", and sketch comedy acts are funny within the confines of "sketch comedy routines", all of which are equally formulaic. But hey, if you want to spend an hour writing that painful outline, more power to you. You are aware that the fill-in-the-blank routine is itself a formulaic criticism, done to death decades ago, right?

    1. Your definition of funny is my definition of monotonous boredom.

    2. That whooshing sound you just heard was the joke sailing clear over your head.

    3. Rammstein is right: you've penned a parody of a parody.

      At least you put some thought into it, though. When I see all the bull-headed literalism in response to the CEO update on TMC, it makes me sad.

    4. @Jock: Ok.

      @Steph: No, it was the sound of my analysis sailing over your head :)

      @Messiah Complex: It was well done but an equally well done bit using another tack would have been much funnier. I think you have it right, a parody of a parody doesn't make sense, it's like using EM damage to take down an armor tanked Loki. What would hit the resist holes of a long propaganda spiel? Long, thoughtful analysis, or a twitter-style takedown, perhaps. Not sure anything would be as unwelcome to the Goons as for everyone to just start ignoring their propaganda, though.

    5. @Rammstein: my take is that the Mittani's CEO updates aren't really propaganda anymore, in the sense that they're not a rallying-cry for a jingoistic audience. Everyone in GSF and the CFC knows that this is not an existential conflict, that slowcats are not ruining Eve, etc., and the Mittani knows that they know these things. His overwrought and apocalyptic writing style is in the style of propaganda, but it's meant to be entertaining, rather than persuasive.

      And that, I think, is what this is really about: the leader entertains the troops with grandiose language and ostentatious recriminations of "the enemy." Hostile readers then provide even more entertainment by failing to see the CEO update for what it is: an over-the-top parody of the type of base propaganda we see all the time in Eve. The people who take it seriously -- and then wail and gnash their teeth in response -- are an endless source of amusement to the people who know better.

      In short, the Mittani's CEO updates are the equivalent of this: http://bit.ly/1fEZdvA ... but that's lost on a lot of people.

  8. Nice one.

    I had to laugh hard, reading the last SOTG, because he´s complaining about Slowcat´s...I remember a SOTG, where he ask his people to train for this, and giving away free Carriers for those, who trained it. Have we seen these Fleets ? And now, he´s asking for Dreads...*lol*

  9. Full Auto mode:

    Move goalpost so nobody notices we're on an oval track Y/N?


  10. Good stuff, Jester. And that is why you should contact me at the Journal address I gave you, and give me your views on the person and his minions/followers. Off the record would be fine too if you so insist.

  11. Yep agreed Garth. While the Goonies don't quite have the IQ to be bored with MIttens yet and are happy to make him the iskies everyone else in Eve is getting pretty bored with the charade.

    And when it came to transfering iskies you know the amount should have been more and the answer Mittens would type is yes.

  12. still nagging on about drone assist I see. has there yet been an actual battle in Eve where drone assist made any difference.

    still it must be nice to be able to treat 35000 players as personal alts.

    I keep hoping that organic critical mass will result in a failscade. I am patient.

  13. oooh oooh oooh let me do you!

    Blog post 1: Baseless conjecture
    Blog post 2: Baseless conjecture
    Blog post 3: Baseless conjecture
    Blog post 4: Baseless conjecture
    Blog post 5: Baseless conjecture
    Blog post 6: Baseless conjecture
    Blog post 7: Baseless conjecture

    ***time passes***

    Blog post 1: just trolling ;-)
    Blog post 2: just trolling ;-)
    Blog post 3: just trolling ;-)
    Blog post 4: I think we can say I totally nailed that prediction I am a good blogger
    Blog post 5: just trolling ;-)
    Blog post 6: just trolling ;-)
    Blog post 7: just trolling ;-)


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