Welcome to Jester's Trek.
I'm your host, Jester. I've been an EVE Online player for about six years. One of my four mains is Ripard Teg, pictured at left. Sadly, I've succumbed to "bittervet" disease, but I'm wandering the New Eden landscape (and from time to time, the MMO landscape) in search of a cure.
You can follow along, if you want...

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The next morning

Good morning, Perpetuum.  Yes, I slept very well, thank you.

Did I ever tell you that I was never a giant robots guy?  Yeah.  I was always a spaceships guy.  Sure, I watched Voltron: Defender of the Universe when I was a kid.  But to me, the cool part about Voltron wasn't the giant robot.  It was the five techno-magic lions that combined into Voltron.  They were cool.  But the whole Transformers-Battletech-Macross-Gundam thing just passed me by.  I was aware of it, sure, but I was never into it.  So it's kind of surprising that you and I hooked up.

You're very pretty, though!  Though I know it's not polite to compare, you're a lot like my old girlfriend.  But different, too.  When I was told I had to walk my giant robot all the way from here to there, my first thought was something that would let me walk faster in short bursts (afterburner).  Don't have those?  Huh, too bad.  What about jump jets?  Giant robots are always hopping around on jump jets, aren't th-- oh.  Don't have those either, huh?  That's too bad.  See, my old girlfriend was three-dimensional--

Yeah, I know it's not polite to compare.  But you know, it's really hard not to.  During your tutorial, you were telling me to open this tool, and that tool, and the other tool.  And I was doing it, only my brain was thinking: "See, this one's like the Overview, and this one's the Selected Item dialog, and huh... why do I need two Selected Item dialogs?  Oh, I see, this one's actually the list of locked targets.  And there's the HUD, and there's the mods I have fitted..."  And suddenly, my screen was badly cluttered with all these little spreadsheets and I was even moving them into the same places where they were on my old girlfriend's screen and trying really really hard not to.  See, everyone says she is just a spreadsheet game, with all these little spreadsheets filling up the screen.  And your HUD buttons and fitted mods are even square like a spreadsheet.  Hers are round.

Then, right in the middle of the tutorial, I somehow went into terminal (docked) by accident, and had to figure out how to undock... er... deploy.  And the button was in the second place that I looked, so that was good.  You feel really familiar, like I've known you for way longer than just one night.

Like I was saying, I was told I had to go from here to there, so I started walking along.  At least that's different.  And on the way, I saw one of my old girlfriend's friends that I know walking ahead of me.  That made me smile because I know a lot of my old girlfriend's friends are hooking up with you.  And then I got where I was supposed to get, and there were a bunch of us there, shooting four or five little red plusses... errr... rats... errr... drones, just like the old days.  And funnily enough, almost all of us were using auto-cannons because my old girlfriend really likes them (Minmatar).  There were a few people using little lobbed rockets (Caldari), and that was familiar too.  Nobody was using magnetic guns (Gallente), and that made me laugh a lot because even though my old girlfriend hates them, who knows yet what you like, right?

On the way back to the terminal (station), the tutorial told me that I would be earning 60 extension points (skill points) per hour, and that I had 20000 of them to start with.  I did a little bit of math... and sure enough, that's what my old girlfriend would have called 800,000 skill points.  Which is just what I started a couple of my relationships with her with.  Which meant that my Arkhe (noobship) must not be very impressive in the grand scheme of things.  Oh well, I can get something better when I have enough NIC (ISK).  Wait... why is my accumulator (capacitor) running out?  Oh, I see.  I forgot to turn off my armor repper (armor repper) after I fought those red plusses.  Let me do that now.

Then you had me bring up the map because my next assignment (mission) was to take something to another terminal (station).  And the map had all of these regions and little yellow lines connecting them.  And I zoomed out and it showed I was on Alpha (high-sec) ground, and out farther away was Beta (null-sec) ground.  And there would certainly be gates connecting all those little yellow lines, only you'd call them something other than gates, of course.  And I just started to get really sad.

Do I really have the patience to do all of this again?  I mean, you have a lot of really good qualities, and I like you a lot.  But let's be honest, it's like you copied my ex-girlfriend just a little too well.  You have all the same flaws: the horrible spreadsheet UI, the hugely cluttered screen, the need to click five different places just to fire one weapon...

No, I didn't mean to call you horrible and cluttered.  Let's not fight.  Maybe if I'd met you a few years ago... well, no, your giant robot fetish would have been off-putting then.  Sigh.  I don't know if this is going to work out, but I'll try again.  I'll give you a call tonight, OK?


  1. I agree with you. Perpetuum is a little too reminiscent of Eve.

    What I want is Eve. Better. Yeah, there are some cool things to be done with ground combat (move your dood, use cover, set up ambushes, etc.), but what I want is spaceships!

    If Eve wants to succeed, it doesn't need a whole new type of gameplay (Incarna), it needs the great gameplay it has to be accessible! I would prefer that they make the UI customizable like WoW. Give us some API calls, and let us C++ and XML our way into great-looking, fan-made UI's. That doesn't seem likely, however, so I would be fine with them making a prettier UI themselves. There's a great game here, that I think could grow to 1 million subs if it were just intuitive!

  2. This is brilliant. Also makes me a little sad from my own recent one night stand...

  3. Aptly titled. Good one, Jester. Will it do until TOR, I wonder?

  4. eve ftw?

    World of tanks is kinda nice if you just want to shoot things without all the in between crap.

  5. That was a really entertaining piece :)


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